In a Hero's Head
by Aki and Tenshi
Summary: Harry's had a bad life. In and Before Harry's 6th Year what does he think and how does he feel about loss, love, life, and friends. Pre HBP and Pre before i knew how to write. My other HP fics are better than this one, so read those instead. By Aki.
1. Why?

**In a Hero's Head**  
  
**Author note:** This is my first fic and I, Aki, wrote this alone! In case you didn't know, this penname is two different people. Some stories Tenshi writes, some I write, some we write together. This fic in first person, Harry's POV.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or any names, places, or references therein.  
  
** Why?  
Chapter 1  
**  
I have come to hate the times when my mind has time to rest. Because when it rests it thinks; thinks on things I wish to forget.  
  
That is why I keep busy now. I do my homework like Hermione good. I practice Quidditch. The intervals in between I study. But then comes strange times like this, in which my mind wonders.  
  
The most frequently asked question is "why?" Why did my parents have to die? Why I am I stuck with the Dursley's? Why do I have to be the hero? Why do I have to be famous? Why do so many people I love and care about have to suffer because of me? Like Cedric or...or Sirius have suffered. Why does He want to do me in? Why does the fate of the world be on my shoulders?  
  
The other questions are easier to answer. Who, what, when where, how. But why, why is so complex and complicated.  
  
If anyone tells me it is because of the effing prophecy I will shove it down their throught.  
  
Why me? Why did the prophecy pick me? Can't I decide my own destiny; the prophecy still does not tell me why so many people I love have to suffer pain and even death. Damnit I am going to cry. If I am going to be the savior of the world I can't cry.  
  
Well, too late, I am crying. May be it is a sign that I will lose to Voldemort and really soon and the whole wizarding world will be doomed. Hell, I'm starting to sound like Professor Trelawney, but hey, a kid an dream can't they?


	2. love and lost

Welcome to the second chapter I have twelve planned. Hope you enjoy it. If you do review. If you don't then go away. ;)  
  
Chapter two  
Love & Lost  
  
Well, here I am again, thinking. Maybe I should pick up another hobby. Why am I kidding myself? I know I half like this thinking thing. Hey, I just answered a "why question," possibly the extra studding is making me smarter.  
  
I'm thinking that is probably better that I never knew my parents because the lose would have been harder. I mean, when I head their voices inside my head when dementors were near it hurt, it was so painful. Hear their last words; I was so close to them, yet so far away. It hurt worse when I saw them in the Mirror of Erised, because I actually saw my current self standing with them. Though more than the pain I felt guilt, they were my greatest desire because I never met them because they died for me, stupid, little me.  
  
Also the more I learn about them from photographs and their old friends I mean old friend it makes me lust after them more. I want to know them, to hug them.  
  
After Sirius - um- went away I realized how painful it would have been o know them. I mean, it would have been painful to love them and lost them. I do love them , do not get me wrong, but loving a person, their character, personality, and time together compared to loving and person that you are told is great and who they were and their image with no first-hand experience is different.  
  
Merlin, I hate thinking, my thoughts are like a paradox. You know the saying, "It is better to have love and lost then never love at all. "That is not true. If had never loved, I would have never felt the anguish I feel now, and the anguish I have felt before, and will feel in the future, but the love and pain are part of me and have made me who I am today. Seriously I am a paradox  
  
Second chapter done. No one reviewed my first chapter. I feel horrible. If no one likes this I probley stop the story. 


	3. I'm Sorry

**Chapter 3 **

**I'm Sorry  
  
Aki: **This chapter is dedicated to GinnylovesHarry, my only reviewer. (which is kind of depressing) I like this chapter more than the first two. I hope you like it.

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Mum, Dad, Sirius, Cedric, the ones who have suffered, and the ones who have felt pain from the death of others at my hands, please listen. I am so, so sorry as you can't believe.  
I am so selfish. I just realized I am not the only one who has to deal with pain. And the pain others had to suffer because of me.  
People's children, parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, friends, spouses, co-workers, grandparents, and grandkids. They have also lost, directly or indirectly my fault or not my fault at all.  
Like the Diggory's. Their only son only child died because of me. When I talked to Cedric's parents after he died they could have well blamed me, but they did not. Their suffering moved them beyond tears or words. You know what they did; they thanked me for bringing his body back when they could have accused me of having blood on my hands. Those are some good people.  
Or Neville. He has his parents, but they are unable to recognize him. He is so close to having them, but falls just inches short. That is probably harder then my situation. I do not know how he kept that pain a secret; he is smarter than it appears.  
Neville's grandmother probably has that pain in her stiffness. Maybe being strict is used to cover up her pain or may be her pain turned her strict. Maybe she used to lovely and kind, beautiful and homely, but when she lost her son and daughter-in-law to madness it turned her cold and hard as a rock. Grave and bitter, taking all the shine out of her eyes and replacing it with stiffness, hiding behind a mask of resentment. Maybe, just maybe that is what causes her to be so hard. I just hope I do not let pain turn me hard because I want to have something to live for...  
I also want to smile.

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Aki: Did you like it? Harry is still moping around, but there is a happy ending. He is realizing he is not the only one to lose people he cares for. Pleeze review if you read this. There is a little blue square button that says 'GO' on it that you need to click. 


	4. Lupin

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**Chapter 4 **

**Lupin  
**  
SORRY I have not updated for long, been on vacation. It rained the first two days. I got a suntan, but I am burnt and it really, really hurts as I am typing this.

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We are spending Christmas break at the headquarters of the Order of The Phoenix. No school gives me too much time to think, and you know how I feel about thinking.  
Anyway last night I could not get to sleep, so I decided to take a walk around to tire myself out, hopefully. I was going down to the kitchen when I realized someone was all ready sitting down their. It was Lupin. He did not see me, but I saw him and I saw silent tears running down his face.  
While I sneaked away though my initial thought was, 'what reason does he have to be crying.' Then it came to me. He had lost everyone...  
As far as I know both his parents are dead and he had no brothers or sisters. He has been shunned all of his life and the last person that accepted him was gone.  
Of course the order accepted him, but the order could not replace Sirius. They could not replace any or all of his best friends. The first people, beside his parents, who accepted him for who he was and did not consider him a monster.  
Lupin knows this. Like he knows that he can not replace Sirius for me and Sirius knew he could not replace my father.  
I seem to have forgotten about Lupin and what he has lost. The sad thing is that about sixteen years ago he lost all three of them, all the marauders in around one day, not to forget my mother also. Then about three years ago he got one of them back, Sirius, back. Well he got two back technically but Wormtail does not count because he is a #$%&. Then a half a year ago he lost Sirius again.  
At least I only lost Sirius, Sirius Black, once because twice must suck, especially since he is such a great guy, a great person that really cares, a great godfather, and a great friend.  
He went to prison in attempt to protect my parents and me. , then broke out of prison to protect me again.

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Sirius lives I say, he lives. I wish he was living. I hope he is not dead because he is so cool and he rocks. You know else is cool, Luna Lovegood... and the Weasley twins. Okay I am rambling. I know there are only three chapters before Christmas it is just that I wrote the chapters as I was inspired. It also goes well with the last chapter, don't you think. REVIEW!!! 


	5. Sirius Thoughts

**Chapter 5 **

**Sirius Thoughts  
  
**Another chapter, the title is a pun. Do you get it? Sirius thoughts as in thinking about Sirius Black, but also like serious thoughts. You probably got it without an explanation so... read.

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Hermione and Ron are showing signs of wanting to talk about my godfather. Sometimes I can tell their speeches have been rehearsed. Hermione always brings him up subtly, so I almost get sucked into it. She is very clever I give her that. Ron is more blunt. He will change the subject radically, it almost5 makes me laugh. He never gets it to work, but you got to love the guy. He does care.  
  
When either Ron or Hermione, mostly Hermione, successfully bring up the topic I get all silent and pretend not to hear. When they have had their say and are waiting for my reply it usually is continuing the previous subjecCht or something about Quiditch. They get the point and stop, though look extremely disappointed. A point for pure stubbornness.  
  
If I was to say something, which I am not, I would tell them that they don't understand. I mean, Sirius was not their godfather, he was mine. I miss him the most, because I knew him the best. Sirius was the closest thing to a parent I ever had. Hermione and Ron have parents. Their was a feeling I got from him that I got from no one else.  
  
Sure, Mrs. Weasley is great, I know she loves me a lot, but she has her own kids and it is not the same.  
  
I connected with Sirius a way I have not connected with any other adult. I could tell what he was feeling from the sound of his voice or the look on his face. I know he could do the same for me. Even though we only knew each other for a little while, we were like brothers. Brothers and best friends almost like a dad, or what I guess a dad would be like. I would not know I never had a one or least a dad I can remember.  
  
I won't say this to Hermione because she would probably protest and I do not want to yell at her or Ron like last year.

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Does anyone read this except GinnylovesHarry? No one else has reviewed except her. I am assuming GinnylovesHarry (for now abbreviated GLH) because I the penname sounds feminine, no offense if you are a guy. Review! Please! I will cry if you don't.  
  
To GLH- you are so nice and cool. You make me feel as if this story is worth while.


	6. Outsider

**

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Chapter 6 **

**Outsider  
**  
Aki: Hello GinnylovesHarry and anyone else who happens to read this, I have a songfic called "I Hope You Dance". Just click onto my bio and read it. Okay I am done.

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I realized something. I am an outsider. Everywhere. No matter which angle or way you look at it, I am.  
  
I have been famous since I was a year old. I have not been a person, but a scar and a name. I am an outsider that is trying to be treated like a regular, average person, a person who blends into the crowd and gets famous on their own accord.  
  
I am also an outsider to a normal childhood. I was not spoiled or treated nicely. I was treated as something that should not be allowed to live.  
  
Even at school I am an outsider. I always have more worry and problems then a regular student does and those problems usually about homework and their love life. I look in on how people usually learn, usually make friends. I am treated differently. Seriously, if I was not the boy-who-lived I probably have been expelled like five times by now. Dumbledore would have not given me my father's invisibility cloak. The Weasley twins would not have given me the Marauders Map. I would have not been in the Triwizard Tournament. I would have not leaded the D.A.  
  
I am an outsider at the Dursley's. Being a wizard and before that being the kid of wizards. Being mistreated, ignored, hated, and even bullied, but mostly alone.  
  
Even at the Burrow, in the presence of the Weasley's who UI care about and who care about me, I am outside. Don't get me wrong, they are great family and Mrs. Weasley loves me to pieces, but she is not my mother. Ron, Fred, George, and all them are wonderful fun, but they are not my brothers, Ginny is sweet, but she is not my sister, Mr. Weasley is cheery, but he is not my father.  
  
I am looking into a great family life that I did have, but I will never have again. Even when Mrs. Weasley is blowing up or Fred and George are throwing a prank, I am an outsider to it all.

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Hope you like it. If you did like it do what starts with a R and ends with a EVIEW.  
  
Note to GLH- You rock. Your reviews always make me happy. So this chapter is dedicated to you again.  
  
Sneak peek- ...Would they of liked my friends, my grades, my hobbies? Would they of liked me? ...


	7. My Parents

**My Parents **

**Chapter 7 **

**Aki:** Bonjour! (that's French) How are you doing. Here is the next chapter. Hope you like it.

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As I look at the photographs of my parents, I wonder what they were like. So many people tell me how great they were. How brave and loving, but somehow I feel deceived. I feel like I am not allowed to know who they really are. That I can not learn from experience.  
It was not until my third year that my father was a major trouble- maker.  
No one told me my father bullied Snape, I had to see it for myself then the explained it after I asked.  
No matter what I have seen or heard I do not know my parents. I do not know their likes and dislikes, their favorite foods, or special memories. I don not even know who my mum's friends were. Did Lily Evens even have a best friend?  
Would they of liked my friends, my grades, my hobbies? Would they of liked me? Would they have loved me? I know if I asked this question aloud people would have been shocked. They would say, 'Of course they would of loved you. They loved you when you were a baby. They do love you now, like we love you.'  
Those words would not comfort me. Reassurances are not the same as witnessing it. It is said that actions speak louder than words. A hug or kiss would prove it. A smile or an 'I love you' or 'we're proud of you, Harry' or a tear when I get hurt or even a reprimand when I do something I should not. That is what I need to know they love me. That they loved me.  
Everyone tells me I look exactly like my father, like James (Dumbledore even said that I would get tired of hearing it), but I have my mother's, Lily's, eyes. Even though it gets really repetitive, I like it, because I might not know what their favorite foods are, I know they are in me and that is more important.

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All I have to say is Review! Namarie (that's Elvish) 


	8. The Truth

**Chapter 8**

**The Truth**

**Aki:** I am going on vacation yet again so this will be the last chapter for a while and you are lucky you got this because I almost could not find the notebook that this was written in.

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I get frustrated sometimes because people never tell me the truth. Like Ron and Hermione today. I found them kissing today and they try to makeup these cover stories, but all they had to say was, 'We've been going out for three months and we have not told you yet and we were not planning to tell you, but you caught us.' That is what they end you telling me by the end of the conversation about it anyway.

I mean there is no use trying to hide the truth because I am going to find out anyway. The Dursley's did not tell me I was a wizard or the truth about my parents' death. Hagrid would not tell us about the Sorcerer's stone. McGonagall did not tell us that the chamber of secrets had been opened before and that it was just a myth. [AN: I know this was only in the movie version and it was really Binns, but this works out better.ï 


	9. Ginny's Hot

**Chapter 9**

**Ginny's Hot**

Aki: I am back from vacation finally. I don't think I told you this and you will probably not care, but I got contacts. Okay I have three reviewers now. Two of them I actually know and are my friends but still. Okay this chapter is a bit more upbeat then the other ones, but I think it is good.

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God Ginny's hot.

At Quiditch practice she flies around expertly, hair flaming behind her like fire. I wonder if her temper is as spicy as her hair. Ai should ask Ron, but I have to be inconspicuous.

I suddenly realize how little I know about Ginny. Who are her friends? What does she like to do? I know she likes playing chaser on the Quiditch team, and D.A. Meetings and dating guys and she used to like me.

I can not believe I looked her by before. Once she started talking to me she became a friend. More than just my best friend's little sister. She has spirit and a great personality her smile is friendly and when her hair waves in the wind she stands out. In a good, no a great way.

The scary thing is I think she is taking after Fred and George. Not like full out pranks, but some of their personality and humor. It makes sense though. Bill and Charlie are so much older and moved out when she was still young. Percy is snobbish and is always caught up in being a prefect or his job. Ron always makes her go away especially when Ron, Hermione, and I have some important and secretive to talk about.

Like last year when she lied to Mrs. Weasley so easily. Her sarcastic remarks or how she knew what Fred and George were planning for their next prank. She has definitely inherited traits from them, yet she is her own person. She has changed from the quite, shy, peaceful, little girl I used to know.

Now she is vigorous and attentive. Though I would never admit it in front of Ron (Mainly because he would beat my head in) Ginny Weasley has grown up into a complete babe. She has personality, character, energy, and, as vain as it sounds, looks.

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Hope you liked it. Please review. I am aiming to have twenty by the end of this story.

**Note to Katie:** Sirius lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	10. Blood on my Hands

**Chapter 10**

**Blood on my Hands**

Once you are done reading this chapter pleeze read the note at the end.

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I'm a murder. I have killed people. Stopped their lives before it was time. Does anyone deserve that, to lose their life? No matter what they have done death is too harsh. No matter how harsh it is I have caused it. As young as age eleven I have caused it. I killed Professor Quirrel and then Tom Riddle. Some might say it was the right thing to do. When I did it without a second thought even though it was their life or mine. In a book it says something like, "...Many that live deserve death, but some that die deserve life can you give it to them. Do not be so fast to deal out death and judgment..." Have I dealt it out to swiftly, even if they did deserve death? Who on this earthy has the right to judge if someone is deserving of the punishment of death. I regret what I have dealt out now mostly because so many people, people I do not know and people I love and care about, have Died not deserving it, have suffered without crime have been punished innocently.

The most disturbing thought I have had is I still must murder or be murdered. If I am the one who is killed, it will be my fault the world is doomed. Yet, if I am the killer, I will be a hero, a hero for killing someone. It does not matter how treacherous they are or how many people they killed because I am just adding to the list of the dead. I will be honored for it.

If I kill him out of hate, anger, or revenge won't I be turning into him? It will not be a righteous murder, if there is such a thing. No matter what colors you paint it or how you decorate the facts the result will be the same.

Their will be blood on my hands.

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Aki: Okay I realize some of you might interpret this as a political or moral view of the death penalty I just remind you that these are Harry's thoughts. I did not intend for it to appear this way. I can neither confirm nor deny that these are my views or if I have views on this subject. Again these are Harry's thoughts and how I would believe he would think. He has had to deal with the pain of the loss of murder so much that he probably figures no matter if he kills some one for a good reason some one would probably miss that person. He just does not like the idea that he has and will kill people. So now to the important part, Review!


	11. great friends

**Chapter 11**

**Great Friends**

Second to last chapter. Here it is. Hope you like. Please review when your done reading.

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Well Hermione and Ron have successfully gotten me to talk about Sirius. I told them how I felt and tried to keep my temper. Emphases on the tried. They said they understood how I felt about losing Sirius, but I did not have to keep my feelings inside all the time. That they lost Sirius too, and even if they could not understand they would try to. Actually it was More Hermione that said that, not Ron.

I told them a lot of other things too, like how I don't like people keeping secrets from me, especially when I can be trusted with them. We made a deal, if I don't keep my feelings inside hey wouldn't keep secrets.

Hermione and Ron, well more Ron, were shocked when I told them that I felt like an outsider and a murderer. Ron attempted to comfort me in some way, but Hermione really got to me.

She said every one feels like an outsider sometime in their life and it is only natural and that she has felt like an outsider for being a Know-it-all. Ron added in that he had felt that way because he was poor and that know one can ever completely fit in everywhere And as for being a murderer that it was self-defense and that I was trying to save others at the same time. And that they deserved it.

What touched me the most is what Hermione said when I told her about wondering if my parents would love me, "Any decent person, and your parents were better than decent, love their kids no matter what. You could be a book-worm, a jock, a bully, or a mischief-maker, but you are always perfect in your parents' eyes, you're always their angel. I also know," tears were welling up in her eyes; she was speaking passionately, not know-it-allish, "that you are a great person and it seems almost impossible that anyone could not love you." Around here Ron's mouth was gaping as he added an 'amen'. That made me laugh the first laugh in a long time.

I have great friends. I should share more so I don't feel so alone. That statement was what I needed for reassurance. Hermione can speak miracles. They are the best friends ever.


	12. Adopted Family

**Chapter 12**

**Adopted family**

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When I realized that my only family was the Dursleys I got a little depressed. They did not even really count because families are supposed to love and care for each other. Then I realized families are connected by love and not by blood, so I have a very big family.

I have a know-it-all sister named Hermione. A lot of red-head brothers named Ron, Fred, George, Bill, and Charlie. I have an aunt and that loves me like a mother named Molly and her muggle obsessed husband Arthur. My other uncles are Moody and Lupin, Tonks is like an older cousin. There is also a wise, old man who is like a grandfather named Dumbledore.

I also have this other uncle; he died about a year ago. I will miss him a lot. I could trust him with any secret. His name was Sirius Black, my godfather and father's best friend.

There is also this girl Ginny who is closer than a sisterly bond. She knows how I feel and I believe she fells the same towards me; one of us just has to break the ice.

All-in-all I have a really big family. Even though they could never replace my mum or my dad, or whatever siblings I might have had. They make a real good substitute.

So I love my adopted family and my adopted family loves me.

**_ Harry James Potter_**


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